


Perspective

by Skepsis_Ree



Series: Shadowgast Excerpts of Life [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Shadowgast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:41:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23583256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skepsis_Ree/pseuds/Skepsis_Ree
Summary: Caleb having an emotional moment and Essek comforting him in the best way he knows how. Not particularly romantic, but romantic in a way that these emotionally dense individuals can express.I think Essek and Caleb are very similar in a lot of ways, and they are the best at understanding each other's emotional pain. Caleb has a feeling of loss, separation, and estrangement from the Might Nein that he loves so much (even though they have done nothing wrong) and he needs to express that feeling somehow.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Shadowgast - Relationship
Series: Shadowgast Excerpts of Life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1723972
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	Perspective

“I just don’t know why I believe it,” Caleb said softly, holding his fingers together as he sat on the edge of the settee. He felt stiff, collected and wild all at once. What had brought on such a conversation? Something so honest and from the heart in a space like this?

The room felt drab despite its lavishness. There was no soul in the décor; the tall windows and thick black drapes; intricate tile floors and large simple portraits. It wasn’t an extravagant room, but one could tell how expensive and obsessively maintained it was. Something designed by servants, and a space that spoke little of its owner.

“I’m so thoroughly convinced… even though I have evidence to the contrary.” Caleb could feel his accent growing thicker in his mouth, the Common having a hard time escaping his lips without the Zemnian being apparent. He was aware his voice was accented, but it got all the worse when he was talking from the heart.

Essek didn’t say anything as he sat there listening to Caleb. He didn’t need to say anything, and Caleb appreciated the quiet listening approach that Essek took. He adored Nott—Veth---, Jester, Beau… all of them. They were wonderful friends, easy to talk to most of the time, but some things… some things were hard to get off your chest and these people—his friends—they tried to fix it too often. He didn’t want a fix, he just wanted someone to listen. How could such wonderful people understand something as horrible as him? He needed someone who knew how evil a soul could grow to understand how he felt.

“I can’t make myself think otherwise; it’s a horrible truth that no one can care about me. As if every action they take somehow tells me that they don’t care. Every minor heartache, every small inconvenience… they’re telling me they’re drifting away. They’re abandoning me. That I don’t matter.” Caleb could feel the hot tears leaking from the corner of his eyes, his sooty fingers trying to rub them away, creating smudges on his face.

They had been working on a spell together, practicing and devising new magic, and somehow, they had started to talk about the Mighty Nein. About Caleb’s past.

“My mind is just so wired to believe that there is no way they can care… that I’m convinced that if they did care they would see how much I’m hurting. I know they talk to me, are willing to talk, but it feels… it feels so false somehow. Not really. I, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s nothing that they’re doing that’s wrong, it’s almost as if they are the pen and I am the page, and when they try to put information down no ink comes out. I just cannot receive it. Why does it feel like no one cares?” Caleb swallowed, feeling his chest hiccup as he tried to keep a level tone. He hadn’t cried like this since he was a child, and the heaving of his chest was hard to control. He didn’t want to be reduced to a sniveling mess, and by Gods, he wasn’t comfortable balling in front of Essek—but it had started, and he couldn’t stop it now.

A long silence drew between them, Caleb swallowing and gasping quietly as he tried to calm his tears. His eyes leaking nonstop as he tried desperately to calm down. He didn’t want to get lost to this feeling, even if he knew it was genuine. It was how he felt deep down, and no manner of cupcakes, hot baths or new books could cover it up. Happiness was just a surface feeling, and under it all he felt like a horribly drowning man.

“May I touch you?” Essek finally spoke. The room was quiet except for the small sounds of hiccuped sadness that bounced off the walls.

Caleb turned to look at the Drow, his perfectly foppish hair framing his face. Clear dark skin, and sharp intelligent eyes. He didn’t look comfortable, but there was understanding in his eyes and Caleb soaked in that feeling. He nodded, swallowing again and looking away. He needed to talk, and he wanted to disconnect from Essek somehow. Both to be comforted and to be left alone.  
Essek reached out slowly, placing his hand on Caleb’s knee and waited. This Drow, The Shadow Hand, was a composed individual and it was odd to see him off-kilter. He cared and Caleb understood that caring about someone was somewhat of a new feeling to the man.

“It feels like if I admit that I’m wrong… if I admit that they care that I have to admit that I’m not worthy of it. I’ve felt like a villain for as long as I can remember and it’s too painful to admit that I haven’t grown.” Caleb sighed, rubbing his face again as he felt his nose clog up. This horrible twist of emotions dancing over his chest. He hated this. He hated this sensation of deep sadness. As if this was the only reality he was ever going to live in ever again. Like he was being swallowed by this sorrow and as if no happy moments would ever befall him again.

“Am I asking too much?” Caleb asked, looking at Essek again. The white-haired man’s eyebrows were knitted together, a placid concern expressed on his face. “That I feel as if… if they don’t spend every moment with me, that they don’t tell me constantly that I matter that somehow it all disappears? That feels like what I need… but at the same time… I just want to know that I matter. I… I feel like the background in every relationship. Even in my own. I just… I want to feel like I have friends.”

Caleb let out a strangled sigh, feeling his chest hitch as he tried to maintain control. He was both needing to release these feelings and still feel as if he controlled his emotions. How contradictory. You couldn’t force emotions. It wasn’t a puzzle that could be solved.

“I think you matter,” Essek spoke up, his voice quiet and hung with his own feelings. It was heartbreaking to hear someone speak so softly, almost as if his own fears would spill out.  
Caleb nodded solemnly, using his sleeve to wipe the tears and soot from his own cheeks.

“This isn’t normal…” Caleb lamented quietly, looking up to the high vaulted ceilings. “I never see anyone else acting the way I do. Feeling this… this sad.” It felt as if he had an endless well to pull from. Some deep sadness that could never be drained or satisfied and again and again, he was consumed by it. Overwhelmed by how much he could feel.

Essek nodded with him, looking away as Caleb sighed, slowly calming down. What was it about night time that made these emotions rile? This endless night in Xhorhas that brought so many moments of intense emotions. The darkness creating a blanket of secrecy and tumultuous feelings.

“I’m sorry—” Caleb started, clearing his throat and shaking his head. He had grown beyond that; he knew better than that. “Thank you.” He corrected, he didn’t need to apologize, even if every part of him felt like he had to. “Thank you for listening, I truly appreciate it.” He mumbled out, pressing his fingers together again as he looked down at the floor. “I feel poorly for suddenly… bringing this to your attention. I know I shouldn’t but… I do.”

Essek squeezed Caleb’s knee again, the feeling bringing mild comfort to Zemnian. He sighed, knowing full well that Essek was not someone that easily expressed his own emotions, let alone felt comfortable easing another.

“It’s easy for me to tell you not to feel badly. Feel as you do, but know I hold no resentment for your expression. Nor do I wish for you to stop if you do not want to. I welcome it if it brings you ease.”  
Caleb felt the tears leak from his eyes again, falling freely down his cheeks as he nodded to Essek’s words. He had been rigid in his reply, but it had sounded genuine. A man guarding his own emotions, but still willing to listen and engage the best he could. It was far from perfect, but Caleb had needed that kinship.

How do you cure sadness?

Caleb looked up, finding Essek’s attentive gaze on him. The man plastered with concern, his usual placid expression twisting into something unfamiliar. He had changed a lot since they had first met, and Caleb was not sure why he trusted this man so much. His opinion of Essek had grown as time had passed, as he got to see the emotions under that layer of control. The goodness that was desperately trying to bloom in his heart. They were one in the same… in so many ways.

How to cure them? Perhaps it was all perspective.

**Author's Note:**

> Please consider supporting my Patreon! If you can I have a $1 tier where you can read excerpts of my future works.  
> I will be writing more Shadowgast for sure, and probably NSFW content. 
> 
> If you can't support my Patreon please consider leaving a Kudo! It helps a lot!
> 
> Patreon cannot be linked directly but you can find me by searching Dungeon Deviant "Ree" or patreon /BaileyRee


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